I thought elementary school was mandatory...

Flashback to 2 weeks ago...

Husband brings dog in. Has raging ear infection in the left ear. We do a cytology, send him home on ear cleaner and antibiotic ointment for 14 days. I go over meds with husband, and ask him if he wants me to do the first ear cleaning for him (for a nominal fee, of course) - he says no, that's ok, my wife handles all the dog stuff, she can do it. Ok sweet. Cya in a couple weeks for a recheck.

Present Day.

Wife brings dog back for recheck. Says oh yes, I've done the meds everyday, the ear looks great. Whines about paying for the recheck, even though she called and scheduled it out of her free will. Blah blah blah.

Vet examines ear. The left is now far worse than before, complete with pus and ulcers on the outer ear and pinna, and the smell of yeast has grown from "faintly like bread dough" to "oh my god why didn't I bring a change of clothes today...OH GOD MY EYES THEY BURN"

Vet asks how Poopsykins handles his daily ear cleaning. Fantastic, apparently. Vet tells owner the infection is getting worse and presents the evidence.

"Oh! Well, I didn't clean that ear, the directions said the LEFT ear."

"But...this IS the left ear."

"No, that's the right ear."

Vet and I look at each other, wondering who in the room is insane.

"See!" (Owner stands in front of dog, and puts her hands on either side of the dog's head.) "This is my left hand, so THIS (motioning to the ear under her left hand) is his left ear."

"Um. No."

Even though this woman could tell her left from her right just fine, she honestly and truly believed that because the dog was not human, then he could not possess his own left/right side, and therefore the all directions were relative to HER left/right. I haven't yet figured out if that was a result of just innocent ignorance, or an incredibly, incredibly large ego.

Either way, I think I heard the tiny death rattles of a few more precious neurons.

I remember trying to talk an owner through a similar situation on the phone...after she got home, she became hopelessly confused as to whether the "Clean right ear once a day" referred to her right or the dog's right.

"Ok, ma'am, it means the dog's right."

"His right...when he's facing towards me or away?"

"....::headscratch::....His right is always his right, ma'am"

"But how do I tell which side is his right?"

BWWAGGHHH!!!