Award-winning phone call for today:

(Background: Our hospital is one of the first ones listed in the almighty phone book, so we're at the front lines for the crazy attacks.)

Me: "Super Awesome Animal Hospital, this is Super Awesome Me, how can I help you?"

Not A Client: "Uhh, hey there. I's gots a question, uhhh, bout's mah pit bulls."

Me: "Ok, I can try to help you." (Oh boy.)

Not A Client: "Walls, I's gots this girl pit bull, ya see, and I was plannin' on matin' her with my male, ya see." (Always a flawless plan. Please continue.) "Buts, my friend brought HIS male over yesterday, and he kinda gots to her first." (Superb! At this point, I'm anticipating the "Can I get her an abortion without spaying her?" question. To his credit, that did not come up.) "I'm gonna keep the puppies and all, but when I breed her to my male next time I don't wants my male's puppies to look like my buddy's male." (WTF?)

Me: "I'm sorry?

Not A Client: "Wall, his male's sperm will, like, stay in her blood and all, ain't that right? So once she has his puppies, all the rest of her litters will look like him too?" (He didn't say sperm, it was far more colorful.)

Me: "No, no, there's no sperm in her blood."

Not A Client: "So where does it go?"

Me: "Uhh...." (I then tried to briefly explain the basics of reproduction and sperm + egg = embryo, etc. He interrupted me halfway through.)

Not A Client: "So my male's puppies won't look like my buddy's pit?"

Me: "No. Just...no."

Not A Client: "Mmk, thanks."

The guy was very nice and all, just seriously shaky on his Punnett squares and had no business breeding dogs. Honestly, where do people get this stuff?


The best breeding discussion of all time, however, goes to the conversation between my boss and a client hellbent on breeding her two Rottweilers.

Client: "I gotta breed 'em, my kids want puppies/everyone says how pretty they are/other bs reason."

Vet: (has already done the why-not-to-breeed speech, looks at the two genetic minefields on the floor in front of her, and sighs.) "Well, they're not related, at least, right?"

Client: "Yah, he's her uncle."


More breeding anecdotes later.