First Date Icebreaker

Almost inevitably in the life of your dog, he will likely exhibit the tell-tale signs of scooting across the carpet, and licking and/or chewing at his rear end. Tell-tale signs of what, you ask? Anal glands, hooray!

Technically speaking, they are scent glands located on either side of your dog's rectum, right inside the anal sphincter. They're at about 8 and 4, if you apply clock imagery to your pet's anus (no need to thank me). If enlarged, they feel sort of like grapes. Grapes that need to be squeezed. Only instead of grape juice, you'll get a light yellow, slightly opaque, highly odorous liquid that was once used as a scent marker when dogs were still running around doing the wild dog thing. They are supposed to empty a little bit of fluid with every bowel movement, but they can easily become clogged and enlarged.

And that's when we meet.

Actually, if given the choice between doing a nail trim or anal glands, I usually choose anal glands. They're gross, yeah, life sucks. During a high school shadow day a few years ago, I watched a girl turn an amazing shade of white and crumple to the floor of the exam room when the smell hit her. Hilarious. But suprisingly, most dogs are perfectly stoic about having my finger inside their nether regions, but do a wild-eyed kamikaze dive off the table and slither under the chair as soon as the nail trimmers come out. When it's a 90-lb lab, that action usually ends in two people, a muzzle, improvised wrestling moves, styptic powder (b/c the nails are always black, of course), and an ever-helpful owner breathing on the back of my neck.

So yes, bring on the anal glands. But thank god humans don't have them.