Joyous excerpts from today:

1.) "How long as problem X been going on for?" is not an abstract question. "Awhile", "A long time", "Not too long", and "Somewhere between a week and 5 months, he goes outside alot" are not too helpful. Also, when you tell me that Fluffy's ear infection has been raging on for three weeks, but swear to the doctor that it's only been since yesterday, everyone gets confused.

2.) That 6 months of Heartgard you bought back in '04? It's expired now, and no, you have NOT been giving it every 30 days all year-round. At least be creative with your lies. "I got some after my wife's cousin's boyfriend's sister's dog died" might get you a pass, but "I swear I just bought it here! You must just not keep very good records. I put the stickers on the calendar and everything" will not. Kthxbai.

3.) Standing in the corner and talking on your cell phone while the vet and three techs wrestle your growling, chomping, blood-thirsty piranha mix into submission is strongly indicative of your laissez-faire philosophy towards discipline. Also indicative of this is your three year-old, who sneaks up behind the vet and sprays her leg with Rocal. True, you're not allowed to restrain your animal, but a couple verbal corrections are highly appreciated. If that's too much, at least hand me a paper towel to sop my blood off the table.

4.) Your pre-teen child is not an acceptable substitute for you or your spouse/significant other/SOMEONE over 18. It's very nice that they want to be a vet when they grow up, but you still cannot send them in your place for your appointment because it's "just the doggie doctor". Especially when you're just sitting out there in the car. That's right, you. I can see you. Oh, and you didn't send them with any form of payment? Scoot.

5.) Your new kitten Princess Mittenpaws has never been to a vet and has never had vaccines or deworming, but she's already had a FeLK/FIV test? I'm in awe. Surely you have proof of such a miracle? No? I see.